The State of the Industry

I'm taking a much-needed mental health day from my day job, I'm on niteflirt for a rare weekday afternoon.

It's been a year since I did a session, it's been years since I have been seeing subs reguarly, many years. A few steadies contact me from time to time and I would see them in a sweet little rental space I first visited for a foot fetish party circa 2002.

The space was home-away-from-home to a collective of indie ProDommes. For a dungeon, it's surprisingly warm. There were cats lolling around, and because everyone handles her own business, there was no competition. Best of all, it's owned and run by woman. I was there almost a year ago to date, May 08 and everyone was buzzing about the fetish raids that have totally changed the NYC fetish industry. I started the job I am at now, and as usual don't have much contact with the fetish scene. I heard about the raids from a girl at the collective space when I did my session, I do remember hearing something about the foot fetish parties getting broken up but that was bound to happen, I saw illegal drug use happening at those parties and they were getting too popular. Non-footfetishists were showing up to check out the girls. Apparently, it's the end of an era in NYC fetish. I just did a web search on "dungeon busts nyc" and found this I had no idea Rapture took a hit, I had never visted but heard it was an awesome woman-owned space.

Someone contacted me about a session, I called -no answer, then emailed the collective for a rental and got an email back saying they "have not done rentals for some time". I'm crushed, I loved going to the collective. The cats, the girls, the soho location that begged a bauble for me after every session. The shady diner that served pancakes all day across the street. That crappy elevator. The pearls or wisdom and unsubtle humor from older Dommes, "The best thing about a sissy, is you KNOW he's going to want a buttfucking eventually". Overheard at the dungeon could be its own blog.

Twards the end of last year I correponded with a D/s lifestyle couple who have a dungeon in their apartment, and live in my neighborhood. The boy end of the couple is always who emails me, and he's quite fourthcoming with the photos, in fact, he send sme photos of their switchy bondage parties with everyones face included and really, really wants to be facebook buddies. I as a rule will not attend any fetish event that does not specifically forbid photography, and I don't add anyone I know from the fetish scene on facebook. I've had about a dozen emails from this guy, where he dumps a dozen hi-rez images into my inbox and then tells me to feel free to ad him on myspace and the ever-familiar "I'd like to see who I am talking to". I had to explain, explicitly that I am seeking to rent space, not to join a social scene and asked that he please not be offended that I don't want to be facebook buddies, I just want to do business. There is an unspoken rule in BDSM that we do not use or distribute our real name, and I get a sinking suspicion that he's angling at that - he keeps sending me invites from his real-name facebook account.

As a result, I'm not even excited about the prospect of a session. I've got this other guy to manage, and he clearly wants something from me. I show up for my sessions with a gym bag, and get ready at my rental space. I'm not at all interested in having some fetishy dude observe my transformation, and another unspoken rule is that you make sure your sub does not have contact with other males - I don't know how to broach this with him. The energy in male-owned dungeons in frenetic, without an alpha female defining the direction of things it gets funny. Bottom line he has added another element to my session, and taken the fun out. Rather than focusing on what to wear, and what I need to prepare for my session I have to worry about managing this person who I am also paying.

Any ladies out there have a spare dungeon to rent?

What a bunch of idiots.

I was thinking about posting my blog on collarme, but that would be asking for more of this...

These are actual emails from collarme, I've removed personal info - other than that, these are exactly as sent.


Hi Thomas here, I listened to you. I am a pro teacher of science, personal trainer. Italian, 6; 200, boxing coach. Hi do you want free sessions in boxing? Also, a trained masseus and a codependent who loves to see others happy, which makes me happy. 5 years in the scene without a Domme though. Can u be the one. I think I am worth it. I can add emotional, social, mental and physical attributes to the relationship. IM is *****@yahoo.com


Right, what every Domme wants, a massage from an codependent guido IM buddy with too much testosterone.


I am over fourty so I am not the right guy for you, I guess, but you are over thirty so you are not the right gal for me. Although I am submissive I dont usually bend over for anybody, so you will tell me what kind of submissive i am, well I am sub with an attitude, this will be a challenge for you...we will not meet most possibly, perhaps you will block me, but I will overcome. Your pic is sexy though. Cheers


I don't even know where to start with this, except to say that although I had subs in my 20's - it wasn't a lifestyle, it was something I tried out. Men who seek out women more than 10 years younger than themselves are damaged, there might be a few who want kids - these are the widows and divorcees. 99.99% prefer the company of someone who will let him drive, it takes a girl in her 20's a bit of to realize a guy is an asshole (and that little bit of time is probably what this pud calls a relationship)
Lucky for me, by the 30's they just come right out and tell you.

I think it's time to delete my collarme profile, I'll have dinner with the one who thought about it before he mailed Thursday but I don't have high expectations. Recent conversations with the Dr. (also from collame) have let me to believe that while he has a invested interest in D/s he is not ready to serve. He's into like people are into scuba diving, for weekends and holidays.

Breaking in a sub who has his own idea of the definition of "submissive" is far more complicated then just teaching a guy to serve with the simple technique of rewarding him with for good behavior, for most guys - simple letting them know you are happy is reward enough. Just a smile should suffice.

To me, servitude starts with the mundane - opening doors, being mindful of my time, and privacy, knowing how I like my coffee and being happy to serve it to me. It's not a barganing tool, if you are buying me dinner in the hopes of cleaning my apartment - thats not going to work.

More on middle aged men

Well, one middle aged man must be reading me on some level, I got my first bonus at work this week.

I finally got a decent, legible email from collarme - the guy is 40 (curious that he is at exactly the age I have noted my age cut-off to be) and his email follows.

Good morning Princess,

I came across your profile yesterday and almost sent you a quick three or four line ill thought out response. Then I took the time to read and digest your words and instead of a hastily generic note I wrote a more thought out one, which I hope will detail why I think we may be compatible. Thank you already for the tip on how to get to know you and what you are seeking in an introductory response. I wrote most of this yesterday and came back this morning after a good night’s sleep to reread it and put the finishing touches one it. I have put the same level of effort into this as I would any presentation I would make before a client. Perhaps more so since the words are heartfelt.

Like you I also do not seek a casual partner. A wonderful Domme introduced me this way of living five years ago. I met her after a break-up with her very long term sub bf. We dated for a year but she eventually got back with and married her ex. She taught me that I am happiest and most content when serving in a female led relationship. Since then I have ached to find that peace and connection. There are no disputes and things are simply more harmonious when two people share a single mind and goal. The happiness of the Domme in the relationship. I am telling you this not because I want to share information about my past relationships to you, but to set myself above others who may contact you for whom this is only play and fantasy. I have lived this way and KNOW it works for me and I was put on this earth to adore the woman in my life.

I am intelligent, fit and totally single with no children. I make a six figure salary, so we would have our choice of shoe stores to browse through! I enjoy a good life with ample travel and leisure and would love to share that. I have an MBA and work in the telecom industry. I am certainly alpha by day yet prefer to be the junior partner in my personal life.

I also would have no fears in speaking with you, should things eventually develop to that point and then planning a date with and getting together. I know this is getting way ahead of things, but you did mention the trepidation of others on here. Again and think that is because they are not true in their desires and experience.

I hope my email hits the mark and you are intrigued enough to write back and we can begin a dialog. I look forward to hearing from you and again thank you very much for all the help in your profile on how to and how not to approach you.



John

Very good, investing the same thought an energy you would put into a work project - what a novel idea. He made it to the next step, where he was instructed to "pitch a date". He suggested dinner at Pastis, a french bistro he has been "wanting to try". Picking a venue is something that only a self-identified submissive male needs direction with, I would think the obvious choice would be a standard with ample seating, flattering light and a bit of character - so why do my dates always pick something trendy? I suppose they are trying to impress me with how much they know about the downtown dining scene. They always pick something known to be "funky" or "hip", it's usually been open 5-10 years by the time they hear about it and my mind goes to the younger men who took me to Freemans right after it opened or Pastis for breakfast in 1999, when Mary Boone was a regular. The management of Pastis has several establishments that are newer, younger and closer to my area. I can only assume he's using a Zagat from 2000

For first dates, I always stick with what I know, it's a delicate balance - you don't want to go where everyone is going to know you, but I think it's a good idea to be familiar with the venue - you can tell allot about a person from where they eat. I know, it probably sounds like I have unrealistic standards - but my expectations are based on experience. If someone is not my equal culturally, it creates a familiar scenario where I'm the downtown insider who has already been to all these places, and my date is a tourist. I've been on this date before, and playing tourguide is not my idea of a good time. I already have the problem of submissive men who spend far more time reading fantasy stories about D/s than living it being tourists in my life - I know, it sounds nit-picky but it truly is exhausting, first dates are hard enough - being dominant doesn't mean that things that are difficult for everyone else are easy for me. Being cast as the dominant already means that I'll be leading conversation, subs always have a list of questions that are totally inappropriate and even if they don't verbalize them, I can tell that they are mulling over their deepest desires or staring at my feet when they should be signaling the waiter. It doesn't make it any easier when the person I am on a date with planned precariously, placing himself in an unfamiliar and distracting environment.

So what do I do with this guy? I know nothing about him, why is it up to me to play 20 questions? Prompting him too much with only set up a situation where I'll always need to provide directions. I don't know of a dominant woman who gets off by having simple tasks complicated, it's not sexy. We women have to jump through hoops in 3 inch heels and make it look effortless, clearly this guy trying but who is he? From his picture he looks like someone older than 40 - and if he's been dying to try this bistro that was trendy 10 years ago, what could we possibly have in common? If I had a time machine, I'd beam back to the 90's and have a cosmo with him when he was a little closer to my own age. I suppose I'll just write him a quick note, suggest a French bistro in my neighborhood from this century and leave it at that.


Hmm, funny French bistro story - on one of my "Vanilla" dates we were at a bistro and the waitress handed me the wine list (they always know!) my date muttered a little "huh" under his breath but conceded.

I alway know what I want.

Am I a frustrated middle-aged man?

I'm frustrated about more than my relationships, dating is inherantly frustrating but all things consitered, it's going very smoothly, I am using a site that does a fair amount of screening and the people on the site are committed to searching for a primary relationship and It's made a huge difference.

I'm frustrated about my job, I have been there a year with no raise in sight. I'm not being challenged, my skills are not being exploited and I am not working in an industry that interests me. At All. I feel like I am spinning my wheels. My day job not at all creative. I'm coming from a creative background and took it because I had been searching for months. I send out resumes, I'm not getting anything back, even from agencies.

It's rare that I think much about the submissive experience. I respect boundaries but have been exposed to submissive men long enough that (for the most part) I have stopped wondering what it's like.

Most of the self-identified subs I have encountered are middle aged, married men. Many seem to have resigned themselves to their positions unhappily, stuck in jobs or marriages that do no not make them happy under circumstances that discourage change. I feel, quite suddenly like a middle-aged man who is curious about getting spanked. I don't feel submissive, I don't want to serve or have someone above me but I am sad, and I can't seem to get sad enough to be done with it. I'm too optimistic to stay sad, it has to get better - so I'm up and down,and thats almost worse. For the first time in my life I see the draw of having someone put you over the knee and let it fly till you are crying about absolutely everything.

I'm not going to go do it, but I'm curious if anyone reading has had the desire to loose control sexually triggered by a sense of frustration or sadness from outside events.

It was supposed to be so easy...

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Doing all the thinking

So much has happened this week. The phone has been lighting up with legwear inspired calls. I finally met the Dr. and I wore stockings.

I made a strategy decision, I've been dating both "vanilla" men and overgrown toddlers who identify as submissive. Toddlers are annoying, messy and generally a lot of work, can you guess what my new strategy is?

I don't see a Female Led relationship as one where the woman makes every decision, that would mean she does all the thinking. I'm finding that men who identify as submissive are expectedly ill-socialized, and thats OK but read they could a book on how to date or something, The dozen emails back and fourth to tie down a first meeting are so irritating that often the meeting never happens. it's a general lack of manners, a lack of respect for my time and efforts. Regular 'ol vanilla guys do whatever it takes to pave that road to the bedroom nice and smooth.

The Dr. is really great, I just wish there was an alpha bone in his body. It's clear that if there is to be a next meeting, I'll be doing all the arranging, and I did all of that for our first date.

Halleluja!

Thanks google, now I can use craiglist again. Google Auto-Reply is the answer to my prayers.

How great is this? I get an email that mentions domestic servitude, New Jersey, and an age over 40. Google divines from previous correspondence that I would reply as such;


dear jerseydad1959:


you applied to be my cuck, not my housekeeper. you won't be doing my laundry, my laundry gets sent out and is delivered perfectly folded by bonded professionals, not by a stranger who is old enough to be my father

you are not an ideal slave for me, you are not even local. you are consumed by your fantasies and cannot shut up about them. why on earth would I want that?

-Princess


April Fools, auto reply is a joke courtesy of google.